Find the equivalent of Aaron Hamill, The Man Show boy who would go up to strangers and ask them the most bizarre questions or make outrageous requests.

This Sunday, have him go up to various priests and ministers and say, “My mom died last year. I want to give her the best gift ever. Would you please pray and raise my mom from the dead? Please?”

Record their excuses and lack-of-faith responses and forward them to me. I’ll post them and we can vote on the most nonsensical and evasive.

“And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it.” John 14:13-14

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:7-11

But I’ve noticed that adult, otherwise rational, theists continue to debate this question amongst themselves. Some even have “animal blessing” rituals. They are so conflicted about this issue. They have to acknowledge they love their own pets (those who do have pets and like other animals) but their Bible appears to rule out the possibility that animals of any kind (except humans, thank god!) will get to enter heaven. I believe in the “New Kingdom” they manage to even get rid of those pesky white doves. Sure they’re pretty and symbolic, but birds crap, and I don’t see their god putting up with that.

Perhaps that’s why there are no non-human animals in the Christian heaven. That heaven is always portrayed as white, pristine, unblemished in any way. Hardly the environment you want to bring beasts into, critters that just dump whenever and where ever they feel inclined. In heaven no one would be assigned to clean up dog poop. That’s not the kind of job for a resident of the gated community of god.

So I know what humans think about animals other than themselves being raptured. But what about the other animal’s point of view?

I decided to interview my dog and cats on this topic, and while the cats are unanimously atheist (I suspect they’ve been raiding my library while I’m at work), Cleo assured me that dogs and cats (but only if they are very, very good and allow dogs to chase them) plus a few other select beasts will indeed go to heaven.

Cleo, resident Dogist

Their version of heaven is a little bit different than the one envisioned by humans. For instance, there are humans in animal heaven, but we’re relegated to the role of servants. We exist solely to open cans and bags and pour the contents on the floor. Animals consider humans to be both incredibly useful pets and dangerous competitors. So to be safe, they allow us into their heaven but only after we have been neutered, licensed and properly trained.

Cleo appears convinced of this vision of the afterlife. Nothing I say dissuades her from her beliefs. So I generally just go along with it as long as it doesn’t intrude on my life. I even bought her a collar with her religion’s version of the cross attached, a metal dogbone with her name engraved.

Now that I’m recovering, I’m able to reflect a bit on illness after 55. I realize that what merely inconvenienced me at 25 just might kill me at my age now. And maybe that’s what dying is going to be like, all stuffed up and miserable, unable to walk around without getting dizzy, preferring to just stay in bed and snooze. And that’s if I’m lucky.

So for nearly a week I’ve been musing and feeling sorry for myself contemplating my inevitable demise. Then I watched this classic bit by my philosophical hero, George Carlin, and realized that growing old wasn’t all bad.

Because as impressionable little children we were exposed to this sort of television show. This is what shaped our moral certitude, our innocence in the face of foreign hostility, our irrational belief that we were the model for the rest of the world.

Can any hell be worse than a world populated with nothing but people like these?

We may kid about “gaydar”, but I know a lot of people who cannot appreciate gayness when it’s right in front of them, much like the clueless dude in the video. Selective ignorance, inability to see beyond prejudicial perceptions, call it what you will. I think gay blindness sums it up nicely.

Opponents of gay marriage who believe marriage should only apply to heterosexuals now wish to restrict access to another sacred institution: Christmas.

“Much like traditional marriage, the traditions of Christmas have been under assault for many years now,” says Brent Slabroller, leader of The Defense of Traditions Coalition. “In order to preserve those traditions, we’re calling for a constitutional amendment that defines Christmas as only for Christians.”

For years non-Christians have adopted the Christmas holiday as though it were their own. They decorate trees, exchange gifts, take paid time off from work — but none of them pay any tribute to Jesus Christ. Some of them don’t even go to church. Even more shocking, some of them are gay.

“Let’s be honest: these non-Christians don’t give a hoot about the true meaning of Christmas,” says Slabroller. “They just want to exploit it for the fringe benefits.”

“We’re not saying non-Christians can’t have a celebration of their own,” said Slabroller. “We’re just saying don’t call it Christmas. Call it ‘Pagan Day’. Call it ‘Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Celebrate-Christmas-But-Instead-I’m-A-Godless-Heathen’ Day. Instead of singing carols, you can go door-to-door reading Charles Darwin to each other. Or the Qur’an or Harry Potter or whatever else non-Christians like to read. I wouldn’t know.” (ryangarns.com)

I also had to laugh. I’ve been there.

I used to stop for a couple of beers at a topless bar in Maryland about 2 in the afternoon. The girls had to be there but weren’t doing anything since I was almost always the only guy there at that hour. I liked that bar because it had one of the first bartop electronic poker machines. I was an addict for those things. Since I was a regular and no one else was there, the bartender would let me have all the tokens I wanted while I drank my two beers and talked with the topless babes.

I was dating a girl at the time, my heterosexuality taking the lead as it has several times before. So I could claim that I never took the situation too seriously was because even then it was well understood; you do not mess around with the girls during working hours.

Or I could just admit to the truth of that poster.

Either way, that picture is funny and the caption damned witty.