Anyone who either has kids or hangs around with complete idiots, sorry, I repeat myself, has had to, at least once, answer the question, “Do animals go to heaven?” or “Will Bahubila be waiting for me in heaven when I get there?”. If you hang out with evil idiots you have faced an accusatory “Why did God kill Bahubila? What did my Earthworm ever do to God? Is God going to kill me, too?” This person obviously needs to be sedated. Don’t attempt to reason with people like this, it will only aggravate the situation. Tell them “yes” and refuse to elaborate.

But I’ve noticed that adult, otherwise rational, theists continue to debate this question amongst themselves. Some even have “animal blessing” rituals. They are so conflicted about this issue. They have to acknowledge they love their own pets (those who do have pets and like other animals) but their Bible appears to rule out the possibility that animals of any kind (except humans, thank god!) will get to enter heaven. I believe in the “New Kingdom” they manage to even get rid of those pesky white doves. Sure they’re pretty and symbolic, but birds crap, and I don’t see their god putting up with that.

Perhaps that’s why there are no non-human animals in the Christian heaven. That heaven is always portrayed as white, pristine, unblemished in any way. Hardly the environment you want to bring beasts into, critters that just dump whenever and where ever they feel inclined. In heaven no one would be assigned to clean up dog poop. That’s not the kind of job for a resident of the gated community of god.

So I know what humans think about animals other than themselves being raptured. But what about the other animal’s point of view?

I decided to interview my dog and cats on this topic, and while the cats are unanimously atheist (I suspect they’ve been raiding my library while I’m at work), Cleo assured me that dogs and cats (but only if they are very, very good and allow dogs to chase them) plus a few other select beasts will indeed go to heaven.

Cleo, resident Dogist

Their version of heaven is a little bit different than the one envisioned by humans. For instance, there are humans in animal heaven, but we’re relegated to the role of servants. We exist solely to open cans and bags and pour the contents on the floor. Animals consider humans to be both incredibly useful pets and dangerous competitors. So to be safe, they allow us into their heaven but only after we have been neutered, licensed and properly trained.

Cleo appears convinced of this vision of the afterlife. Nothing I say dissuades her from her beliefs. So I generally just go along with it as long as it doesn’t intrude on my life. I even bought her a collar with her religion’s version of the cross attached, a metal dogbone with her name engraved.

I’ve been house bound for the last 5 days due to a cold, or the flu, who knows. Whatever it is, it sucks.

Now that I’m recovering, I’m able to reflect a bit on illness after 55. I realize that what merely inconvenienced me at 25 just might kill me at my age now. And maybe that’s what dying is going to be like, all stuffed up and miserable, unable to walk around without getting dizzy, preferring to just stay in bed and snooze. And that’s if I’m lucky.

So for nearly a week I’ve been musing and feeling sorry for myself contemplating my inevitable demise. Then I watched this classic bit by my philosophical hero, George Carlin, and realized that growing old wasn’t all bad.

No deep philosophical comment, no long wordy post. Just a video to enjoy.

As a gay leftie I’m so going to hell…oh wait, I’m an atheist, too.

You want to know why so many of us baby-boomers are totally fucked up in the head? Why ours is the generation of Bush, Enron, Obama and Prop. 8? Why we have managed in our time in charge to create a world to hand to the next generation that is so massively corrupt, so doomed to ultimate failure, so messed up in a hundred ways we don’t even understand yet?

Because as impressionable little children we were exposed to this sort of television show. This is what shaped our moral certitude, our innocence in the face of foreign hostility, our irrational belief that we were the model for the rest of the world.

Can any hell be worse than a world populated with nothing but people like these?

Lot’s of people are “gay blind”. Seldom is as funny as this, though.

We may kid about “gaydar”, but I know a lot of people who cannot appreciate gayness when it’s right in front of them, much like the clueless dude in the video. Selective ignorance, inability to see beyond prejudicial perceptions, call it what you will. I think gay blindness sums it up nicely.

From the “Don’t Give Them Ideas” file:

Opponents of gay marriage who believe marriage should only apply to heterosexuals now wish to restrict access to another sacred institution: Christmas.

“Much like traditional marriage, the traditions of Christmas have been under assault for many years now,” says Brent Slabroller, leader of The Defense of Traditions Coalition. “In order to preserve those traditions, we’re calling for a constitutional amendment that defines Christmas as only for Christians.”

For years non-Christians have adopted the Christmas holiday as though it were their own. They decorate trees, exchange gifts, take paid time off from work — but none of them pay any tribute to Jesus Christ. Some of them don’t even go to church. Even more shocking, some of them are gay.

“Let’s be honest: these non-Christians don’t give a hoot about the true meaning of Christmas,” says Slabroller. “They just want to exploit it for the fringe benefits.”

“We’re not saying non-Christians can’t have a celebration of their own,” said Slabroller. “We’re just saying don’t call it Christmas. Call it ‘Pagan Day’. Call it ‘Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Celebrate-Christmas-But-Instead-I’m-A-Godless-Heathen’ Day. Instead of singing carols, you can go door-to-door reading Charles Darwin to each other. Or the Qur’an or Harry Potter or whatever else non-Christians like to read. I wouldn’t know.” (ryangarns.com)

I knew as soon as I saw this image what the caption had to be, and I wasn’t wrong.

I also had to laugh. I’ve been there.

I used to stop for a couple of beers at a topless bar in Maryland about 2 in the afternoon. The girls had to be there but weren’t doing anything since I was almost always the only guy there at that hour. I liked that bar because it had one of the first bartop electronic poker machines. I was an addict for those things. Since I was a regular and no one else was there, the bartender would let me have all the tokens I wanted while I drank my two beers and talked with the topless babes.

I was dating a girl at the time, my heterosexuality taking the lead as it has several times before. So I could claim that I never took the situation too seriously was because even then it was well understood; you do not mess around with the girls during working hours.

Or I could just admit to the truth of that poster.

Either way, that picture is funny and the caption damned witty.